How much can I believe You won’t do, because of the circumstances? How much could I ever take credit for, bending the world my way? No, indeed You still move; You brought the goods home, You sighed in relief when the friend finally listened and prayed… and You put a vision from the past right there, where no one could have taken it away, a day none of them could’ve seen coming for me not to hold on to but to remember I haven’t seen it all. I almost stood up in anger, it took everything in me not to stand up and leave. But leaving and hiding is what I’ve always done… so I fought. Have they seen me? I care nothing for any of them, I promised recently. I stood in awe after, all in the same day, same hour, but this time mom was rushing out and so I followed… two completely different people, worlds, and the same. It scared me, some of what You did last week… but then again if You hadn’t wanted to, You wouldn’t have. I feared but then You let me see it; this cannot be the end of it all when it’s in fact just the beginning.
Sábado, horas antes
Hay cosas que nunca cambian, a pesar de que uno esté cambiado completamente y sin remedio, tal vez sea de esos que ya no vieron las circunstancias cambiar, el sol salir. No cambiaron y nada alrededor lo hizo.
Sábado. Como a medio día sonó la campana. Francamente me encontraba derrotada intentando hacer forma del mundo que sigue sin tomarla… más de la mitad del tiempo es mi mundo el que está de cabeza.
La campana sonó y yo tuve que correr, responder, y regresar cambiada; estaba segura de que todo saldría mal y ya hasta me había despedido del asunto. Estuve errada, y me tocó llorar agradecida y aliviada.
Ahí fue cuando pude notar que, a pesar de los días anteriores y sus respectivas cargas de duda y temor, todavía hay esperanza.
Claro, en esta ocasión pude luchar toda la semana por creer que no porque las cosas queden igual y no cambien en aspectos medulares, Él está enojado, y mucho menos que Él las está ocasionando. Luché por creer que cuando me dijo que ya no lo está (enojado, eso es) habló en serio y sin doblez o falta de firmeza.
Cuando regresé de abrir la puerta, entendí por primera vez en mi vida que lo que quería de mí ahora era enseñarme a creer que aún ahí donde ya no puedo creer más o esperar Bien, Él ya tiene todo resuelto y para mi rota esperanza, hay más y hay Bien.
Domingo 28
I won’t run away from You, not this time… maybe I could just stand there and watch…
What if You redeem even my smile?
What if the desired day finally arrives?
What if I, me, this mended thing You forged me into (heap of ashes that I was), got to finally see the sun cracking through the stormy clouds? What if I too in relief finally sighed?
Could that be my life even if I haven’t been able to see beyond the storm or the hurt? Beyond my wanting to stand up and leave, never get to know more?
Beyond the valley of tears?
What if indeed there were fountains waiting just ahead?
Well, You did bring her, a friend with a picture in hand. A picture showing sun shining through clouds just a day after I wondered if maybe I would be one of those that held onto your strength but never got to see it ever again…
And she showed it to me; the sun, teary eyed.
She brought warmth and Your voice calling my true name, the one I had been fighting to love again… Yanina. I had never- You had never before called me that, not for my ears to hear. And I heard You:
No eres hombre para que mientas, o hijo de hombre para que te arrepientas.
Yes. I’ll keep on walking until the tears turn into fountains of joy. I’ll stop being a know-it-all just to see You,
Oh, just to get another glimpse of Your heart.
Just to never stop looking at Your beautiful face…
I would never look away.
No hay privilegio mayor que poder escuchar Tu nombre… but now I know that having it at a close reach, many don’t. I would have wanted them to sit just where I did, to cry the same, to also have been torn but then I saw what you’ve been doing, I heard how You know they are far from your heart and understood; how could You, how would You have been able to take it all away from them? So You never did, even if they never met You halfway.
Faithfulness has always been,
Faithfulness will always be Your very breath.
Cómo te amo.
-SFTS
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