I still watch the stars. Even more so than before.
Today I found the very bright one from other years and remembered everything it meant then; Your thoughts upon me. Your attention over me. Your eyes on mine when I couldn’t even see. Everything around me today feels like my eyes did gazing at that star back then.
I craved to be seen back then, today I’d wait for You even if you were in front of my eyes, visible as my hands, for I know eventually You’d look at me. That’s all You’ve been doing for my whole life, looking at me and loving me there no matter what you saw… how I need You now, because I love You with my whole heart.
This week I finally heard You calling me beautiful, for instance, after years of drought and I believed You so, that I’ve been able to let go of everyone who instilled their own darkness upon my breaking frame, breaking me more. How I see it now:
That You’ve instilled beauty in me… Your own. You are that beauty. And my every dream.
For sure, I’d sit and wait knowing myself loved every step of the way. And when our eyes finally met… the greatest dream would have caught up to me here on earth.
I caught myself smiling today and for an instant I was sure I was not meant to smile like that. I’m not, but You still made me smile. After that, You asked me what my fears were and I knew it then, yes, one fear lingers still, maybe a new one I don’t know: that when You take my soul and my spirit… I don’t get to see You, or that I don’t get to love You there, when I do.
But I looked for You today and You let me find You, so could You promise me one thing? That if one day I cannot go looking, You’ll come find me?
Oh, please do, for You’re my very breath.
I still watch the stars. Even more so than before.
Today I found the very bright one from other years and remembered everything it meant then; Your thoughts upon me. Your attention over me. When I couldn’t even see, Your eyes on mine. Everything around me today feels like my eyes did gazing at that star back then. No, it’s better:
Back then I had to force my faith to hold on to the thought of Your loving me, holding on for dear life… Today I watch Your stars, and how I’m sure You know my name because You named them all.
Today I see You and adore my getting to love You, my one and only heart, You, Creator of them all:
Even more so than before… I’m holding on to You with my whole life.
-SFTS
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