I wish they’d just suffer in silence like I did.
Like I do.
But that’s a horrible thing to wish.
Not on me, I’ve survived anyway, but on anyone else; anyone who’s had it all like I never did.
Sounds a lot like anger right?
Resentment,
Spite,
Bitterness.
I wish things unspeakable now I come to think of it, of any of them crying out for any reason… a kind of anger I hadn’t thought could have formed in me due to the years alone.
Because if hate was to have been instilled in me it surely came because of them, if salvation came He came out of love, but now I believe He could love me I hate the thought of Him loving them because of how much everything hurt. Of how much it sometimes still does.
Anger.
Bitter and spiteful anger.
How do you manage it?
How can it disappear now I’ve seen it?
When does hurt become anger strong enough to want to see them go exactly where you went through instead of letting go?
When does it become so intertwined with your heart, that instead of wanting to see them be free or even forget, it ceases to wonder if Love could fix things?
I know He can, and I know He wants to-
it angers me they still tell Him what to do and how,
it angers me how today still, they fly too high,
how many bitter hearts they produce- like mine,
But I wonder, because I’m so angry, how should I walk to still find His heart?
I hate the thought of my having hurt so much, of the healing being so tough, only to see You walk to them. I cannot bear the thought.
Fine then, and better now?
And while here, hard then, and hard tomorrow?
I won’t stand for it, I can’t.
But if He asked, ‘What would you have me do?’ I wouldn’t be brave enough to ask what I’d truly want, because I want it and I don’t. I wouldn’t wish on anyone this anger either, or the confusion all over-
the hurt from the past,
the silence,
the numbness,
bless them, how could I? I wonder… and I’ve prayed, but I don’t want to pray how they ask and what they tell… mercy, yes, goodness, yes, and truly getting to know Him. These apease me a little; I’m being obedient and resentment is kept at bay- until they speak again.
One could speak utter darkness before Him and is still alive,
and then one remembers:
…bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. – Luke 6:28
So we don’t become utter darkness He ushers these words, I’m sure,
don’t know what to say? Bless.
I wonder if my praying about them helps them too, because surely I’ll leave every bit of anger in His hands until it fully heals. I could be cursing them to the winds, but I’d rather be here, still struggling, if only I could one day be free.
Love is the bloodstains on two wooden beams. – Josiah Queen, Two Wooden Beams
Bless them, because Him I do fear and His works.
Bless them, even if I don’t feel love.
Maybe one day I will.
-SFTS
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