Sheltered from the storm

It’s been a year and I remembered a few weeks back something I said.

“Le huyo a todo lo que tenga que ver con el episodio académico…”

I was so afraid… so full of the pain of rejection, loneliness and anger; you could lose everything with those around, I’ll tell you.

So full of scars…

So full of doubts, that I had promised my heart never again; not if I had a say in the matter at least. I had never shined like I would’ve liked, not there. That’s the same land where I learnt crudeness and despair.

I’m older now, I should be able to bear it, right?

But I remembered my words on the verge of a big turn of events, once again,

and now I’ve been dreaming of classmates from way back when it all began, and the most recent ones too. I’ve dreamt about rejection, melting faces, and hurt wanting to rise up to the surface within a heart of stone.

My heart.

Speaking of which, I do want to see it melt into flesh again, ever since He spoke about it. I’m no longer keeping anything for myself, I let it all go for God’s hands to take away, and to my choice I’ve held. I’m giving it my best, and most of the times it’s not even a fight anymore, the not-running-away, and so when He pointed towards the direction I’m now taking I just obeyed; even though it took everything I had to make it out alive back then and the fact that no one’s never old enough to handle pain.

Maybe that’s what the dreams are saying; revealing my own fears.

“My going there has to have something to do with our business” I stated last week.

“I’ve understood God wants you to go back to heal you,” mom retorted just yesterday.

I’m always brave, you know? So believe me when I say it’s no problem, my going back. I’ve even begun wondering if maybe, just maybe, everything could truly be different this time. Or maybe this has nothing to do with my past. So I’m not afraid, not even because of the dreams,

but, this one thing I’ll state now:

Hadn’t it been because of Him, I wouldn’t have made it out alive, half-broken and a half as I was.

Hadn’t it been because of Him, I would’ve lost everything.

Hadn’t it been because of Him, I wouldn’t be writing here.

And so, knowing this, I can go back to that place better than I was six years ago, because then I didn’t know and couldn’t have believed He would want to even look my way, now I know He paints my world every day, while holding my hand… even when I still try to let go when scared; on those days He holds me tighter and even in the silence He tries to explain to me my own heart. I’m still getting used to it,

I died because of the world, and myself. I came back to life because of Him.

This, I know as a result, has only to do with Him; it’s all about Him.

There’s no making it out alive today, just breathing in His life.

So to go on in a world like this, I’ll just keep in mind: I’ll go on one more day if I just get to see Him, one day, one more day… and it’ll be a fully lived one, every time,

because I honestly don’t know how I fit in the whole picture, and yet, the faith I lacked hours ago is made up from little star-like glitters of belief now, new belief; it is enough to be able to just be in the same picture, to be able to walk by Your side and not lose You, having lost everything and then surrendered what was left after finding out You I could gain… and You make everything worth it every time You stay, You stay, You stay.

In any case, this is how to make it out alive:

He is my life.

He is, He is, He is.

-SFTS