What do I wear tomorrow?
I try to fix my hair every day.
I don’t really like the state of my skin, and ‘what would happen if I had asked to change my nose’ is a question I entertain almost daily.
None of these things would inspire him to bring me flowers.
Showering every day turned into a challenge these last four years, I felt so weak most of the time… and I’ve hated myself for it because I couldn’t make myself pretty half of the time. But then the days I tried I knew myself lacking anyhow.
I hate how I look. If the main character from my books looked like me, the male lead wouldn’t have looked at her twice, not even enough time to be considered. Her love… wouldn’t be hers. Hers would look just like my life.
These things I daily tell myself.
How could You send anyone? None would listen and say yes.
To not seem vain I’ve always kept these truths under the rug, I needed no one to remind me of my weight, I’ve seen it follow me every morning since I have memory, how I wish it could change… how I wish it was disappearing quicker. And then I don’t, I don’t know why; maybe because a large portion of the people I knew will be forever torn from my heart because they didn’t wake up sooner.
You don’t mind it like they did, do You? You’re even helping me get better.
None see it, with life being as it is… and I don’t really mind it, nowadays; but I’m also just a girl.
This week I bathed daily, as with the last more than eight ones it has been. I’ve had the strength, I did. Some days I wear cute outfits that don’t really look how I’d like, others, some new comfy clothes that hide everything I don’t wish to see. I feel comfortable most of the time because I don’t go out. When I do, I try my best. I wonder if I couldn’t do as much the last four years because I became too tired of always trying my best… today I’m thankful for being able to try again, even if I take very few days in public out of the year.
He wouldn’t like me, I know. When it all came down to just You and me You uncovered my truth:
I don’t believe He could love me if he came.
This, I cannot fix.
Now in looking at the mirror with love I give my best, and remembering the words You recently said, about how beautiful my shoulders were for having served as support for others.
You gave me a magical water to comb my hair… but it still gets too puffy. Do you love me either way?
How presently I hear every time any boy said no and it still stings. Oh, and how I try to forget every girl that found it easier to be mean. I forgave them, I let them go, it’s been weeks, months. Years. But the things I saw them see… sometimes they are too hard to forget.
Can You fix this?
It’s not something vain, I promise… I know it because it hurts every time it comes to mind; I’m about to be one year older, but I still can’t seem to forget all about it.
You know? I wish I could wear something lighter tomorrow. How I hide behind these garments and games, maybe that’s it…
Can You fix this?
I don’t want to think about anyone anymore, I don’t want to have to try my best to be barely tolerated in the end… but do I have to hide? I do, and how I hope I could stop every day and stop being afraid, but even when an outsider comes to my house I now always make sure to be looking at mom or the floor, the sky and the wind, not them, just to be safe.
Hello, and goodbye. One day or the 40th… I won’t go out. I won’t ever try again, I hoped for flowers one day, now I just want to not be hurt, to not have to carry any more careless words, thoughts, aching in my soul… clouding my days.
I won’t grasp the world this time because I can’t.
Can You fix what they broke? Whatever’s missing? Because I let everyone go, but I still hear all of it and I don’t want to believe any. Please, something inside tells me Luke would love Hanna either way, too, but I cannot prove it… he’s beautiful like that, as she is.
Can I see with Your eyes? Because silly as it sounds, it breaks my heart to talk about it; even now.
-SFTS
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