How I wish I could be free.
How I hope… You saw I cry because anger is all I have and I can’t have that.
Anger would have me run away, and I would. I do, even when there’s no place to run to. I get angry and stay silent, wondering what is it I have left to hold on to if things will never be good.
I don’t want to leave.
But I also don’t know how to go on like this;
I’m turning into dust. Yesterday I had the nerve to ask You to change things right now, just the way a little kid would while throwing a tantrum, full of ache, because I can’t take it anymore… but things remain still.
How do I go on? I know myself failing with what I do have.
I know You care, I know You’re good…
Never mind. This is where I always end;
Everything around, wherever Your hand’s at, the nothingness… I don’t understand.
After the tantrum, I asked You to destroy me instead. That would certainly end the madness. Not because I’m not doing something great but because I can’t do very basic things, the very essential ones. You know them well, right?
Even then, everything remained still.
I know You’re here…
But I’m angry, not easily forgiving of others now I’m beginning to truly fear a future, hopeless… how I’d wish the ones I love around me found their way but I cannot help, I can’t even fix myself. And no one can help me; some even refused to. And then I lift my eyes and find everything and everyone so tainted; just as myself, how could I trust any of them for an answer?
But then things happen, like stumbling upon the time when Your people stated we are to eat from our own bread… and I remember I can’t. (Maybe it’s me, maybe I’m utterly useless, disobeying, or wrong… but I’ve pleaded to be made right or able on and on…) You say I am to trust You but then I feel like I have to walk all alone in an unforgiving land, weighed down by every mistake I’ve made tying my both hands. Was it a mistake choosing You? Not because of You, maybe I just put to much on You and things don’t work that way- but then I remember how I’ve still tried and how it all dies with me praying it doesn’t; endlessly praying that finally something, somehow, works out. It never does. Yes, and I am failing with what I do have; and I try, I try, I try. I do, I do, and I do. Still, nothing works out. And every year I want to leave it all behind and go find new horizons, maybe my answers are out there… I send SOS signals, still, not even those work. Either I’m truly the worst failure in existence, truth for which I’ve… even here I’ve prayed for Your help, promised You I’d learn… If this is it, so be it, I’ll learn, I promise, and send out everything I have hoping I might find the answer, Your light… and I never do. Still I believe only You could help me, I need help and here comes the anger all over again and I want to leave because You don’t help me as I’d wish… yes I’m alive, yet unable. I don’t want to say hopeless. But the moment I begin thinking about getting up from under Your feet my heart gives this weird kind of beat; it loves You, after all. It trusts You, I think. At least in every way it can, because I know my love is faulty even now. Maybe even broken; I still don’t know how to love. I still can’t make my heart beat like Your heart.
Are You calling? I’m sorry. It’s Your way the one I end up choosing every time, but I think I’m doing it wrong. I truly do, because doubt and fear always turn into anger and while I know You’re afraid of neither… I’m afraid I’m ruining it all, and not growing anymore. I feel myself in the lands of hope deferred and not hopes fulfilled and You know where that ends.
I’m sorry.
I don’t want to leave even if I had some other place to go. This is what I’ve called my mistake: that with every fiber of my being I chose You as my King and believed since the beginning that only You can fix it all.
But I don’t see you fix everything fully and I’m so angry. And I get so angry I wish I could leave, had I a way to fix everything on my own. I sometimes think I still hate some people, they thrive while I’m here… half alive, half paralyzed, half healthy… half close and half far away where I cannot seem to understand Your path, fearing myself close to be lost in the next step.
Paul had his tents, Lydia had her purple cloth… but I get nowhere with what I do have. I’m beginning to think I don’t even have it, that none of it meant anything, just something to pass the time and not die.
I’m sorry.
And it’s a grand portion; the not dying. But still… You know.
I’ve prayed for a way out, still I’m tempted to believe you don’t hear.
But You told me You hear. I hear, that’s what I heard that day and I saw You light up the room as You came in, remember? You put the kid on his feet when we thought it would be like other times.
I cannot forget.
Still, anger comes.
If it were up to me, You know I’ve tried everything that has been at hand… I would have been eating my own bread for years now. But You say no every time. Even sick I would’ve given it my all; things remained still.
I find doubt all around, even I don’t understand.
Please, have mercy, for the hope of Your mercy is all I have.
Tell me your anger, so you don’t have to leave.
Every time?
You ask me if I love You… I’m so confused I answer I don’t know where I’m standing anymore. But then I see a glimpse of what it would look like if You walked away and it hurts like death;
I recently learnt that’s what hell is.
But I don’t mind that, hell, I mean. I wont ever follow You because I fear a bad future. I fear a life without You here. Here on earth, without being able to turn and smile towards You knowing You’re looking at me, I scream inside at the thought of You leaving. I scream at the thought of me getting up and walking towards the door of the throne room. Your beautiful dwelling. I feel worse than turning into dust only wondering about that specific what if.
But I feel like smiling less and less as of late.
Still,
I. Don’t. Want. To. Leave.
I do cherish Your presence, but sometimes I’m so angry I cannot seem to find You near.
I do love You. I love You so much I’d wait for You for my whole life.
But I also wish I didn’t have to; that somehow You managed to save me soon.
This is my anger. I can’t deny it, I would have it gone. Yes, I’m angry, but since I can’t hide it anymore… I put my anger in its knees also… and bless You.
Only You can fix this,
please, no anger’s righteous enough to stand against You. Please have mercy.
Please save me.
–SFTS
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