You’ll have to teach me how to live with my eyes finding zeroes all around… how to co-exist with this devastating failure. With everything, but nothing all at once… zeroes all around.
More than three days have gone by since my heart uttered these words.
Gazing into MY love, do you care for those? I heard Him ask this morning.
For a split second I didn’t. My love turned to dust, my hope worse than ashes, I felt them wither when I figured my choices had carried a great deal of loss, the one where I truly left my life and desires behind to glorify Him (I couldn’t fully understand what I was doing then, not quite), but for a split second I couldn’t care less, yes, gazing into His eyes.
There were tears still, and I found myself breathless.
“Loving You is hard”, I said.
Is it?
But my heart felt light, even looking into every department of my life holding nothing inside. “No, loving You is easy,” I corrected with a tearstained smile.
How can there be an ambivalence to loving You?
Because loving You is hard. But no, loving You is easy. All those zeroes mean nothing in light of Your love. Have You not seen? I left everything in the wake of Your coming, what I thought was my very heart. Whom I thought to have been my very heart.
I do love You, I gave You everything.
Everything? Yes, everything I thought could’ve been my answer, my delight, my desire… to find those where my every cell believed they could only be found; one place, Your heart. Everything I wanted, because I wanted You more.
I lost everything by choice. Not seeing any of it being brought back to life, saved by Your hand as tales tell… that’s what I call the devastating failure, the nothingness of not having gotten to see any of it fixed by Your hand, all of it turning into dust by default.
But I lost everything by choice because I love You. I loved You more, You, and only You got to be the one holding– no- You, You became my heart. Could I find You in every department, that’s what You meant, then?
I have everything because of Your love.
You do?
Suddenly I don’t want to think about the future anymore (but not like last year, not in anger or fear, but holding on to peace). I wanted to ask You to not forget about me and everything You carried before I opened the door; to give me something no matter how small, I’d have cherished it but… but now I opened it to let You in I don’t want to ask for any of it anymore; I know You won’t. Forget about me, that is. The departments may be empty, but not myself. You did not leave me empty.
How could You? You’re right here, looking at me. At home.
There’s no future for me but You. How I fear You now.
I fear You, and only You… I fear You, my heart breakable now under Your hands, my undoing possible only under your fist if You raised it, but I’ve learnt You’re so sweet… so I wonder…
Could this love…
Could this love…
Could this love,
could this love make everything worth it?
Yeshua, Yeshua, Yeshua.
Only You are, and because You were then I let everything go. Now it’s out of my grasp I know… it truly could’ve been my everything. I won’t be foolish, no, I let it go because I wanted You the most. All of it meant nothing because in the end I believed only You are. It hurt, the loss of it all, but it is true that I find myself happier than I ever believed I could be, than I ever thought I’d get to witness. I cannot deem this as nothing.
You are, You are, You are.
Here I lay myself down bare hearted;
there’s no future for me but Yours.
Knees bent, tears spent but able to breathe now,
Yes, loving You is easy.
Oh, loving You is not hard, I can turn towards Your arms every time, what a victory, I’ll be saved left and right!
And whenever it gets hard, the greatest spoil:
You’ll hold my hands and lead me still, further, further into the waters, where You can show me Your heart. The minute You saw me, that’s when I found everything,
all at once.
-SFTS
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